PoM: Private the Pirate

"Men, we have successfully taken over full control of the ship," Skipper said, watching down on his crew while standing on the panel with his foot on the compass. "and we need immediate action if we're to take this godforsaken piece of tin-can to Antarctica."

Kowalski, Rico and Private stood all in a disciplined line, chests out, stomachs in and high heads.

"Yes, sir!"

"This is what we're gonna do. Private, take notes so you'll learn something." The flat-headed penguin said, to which the private took out a notepad and a red crayon from somewhere.

"Kowalski, go down to the machinery, fix everything that is not making wheezing noises and blows out hot air like a geyser."

"Yes, sir."

"Rico," the fatter penguin stood attention. "find the kitchen and make some chow. Use whatever you can find, even if you find a dead body. I've heard livers are quite tasty... And make me some coffee! And don't forget the fish this time."

The penguin nodded.

"Private." The pug-eyed one got tenser as he heard his name called out, and pressed down his crayon too hard, making the tip of the crayon break off, fly up and hit the tallest penguin in the head.

"Sweep the ship, find the spies and take care of them. Remove any bombs you find and throw them into the sea. But most importantly, obey the orders!" He counted up the duties on his one flipper, putting emphasis on the last three words.

"I'm sorry, sir. Yes, sir!"

"Dismissed!" He turned to the helm and spun it, making the penguins slide out the door on their feet as the ship leant to the side.


After an hour, the ship had been made to wheeze, the skipper had gotten his coffee, and the ship had been swept. The private had found no bombs, spies or badgers (which he had feared), only a dress up kit for kids. Quite happily he played with it in front of a mirror. At this moment he had a red bandana over his head, and an eye patch.

"Private...? What are you doing?" He saw Kowalski walk into the room in the mirror.

"I'm finished with my duty, and I found this. And I wanted to play with it!"

Kowalski looked blankly at him. "Alright. You got me wondering. Why?"

"Because it's fun!" Private faced him and smiled.

The other penguin looked confused. "I don't see how."

"Because I think it's fun to pretend I'm someone else, to do something new. Or to become someone else, an adventurer, or stealthy thief!" He gestured wildly, almost hitting Kowalski.

"Well," he dodged easily. "when you're done, you're still only Private."

"Being me is fun too. I'm just pretending."

"Okay..." He turned and moved toward the door. "You achieve very little by pretending to make progress." He said to Private while waddling away.

"Wait, K'walski, you try it! Pretend you're someone else. You'll see, it's fun!"

"I don't pretend, Private, I think. Strategist, remember?" He walked out of sight.

Private looked after him and sighed. Kowalski and he had a strange relationship. Or as good as a relationship as they could have, seeing the short time they've actually been together. Private admired Kowalski for the great trust Skipper had in him, for his cleverness. He actually found his way of speaking fascinating. Always so sure of himself and the words he are saying, and the way he comes up with wild options seconds after requested, as if he had thought of them several hours before.

Despite the short time Private had known the Pol, he felt that he wasn't the fun type. He saw it on the way everyone talked with him.

A shame, Private could picture his voice saying ridiculous things, like "Monkey bus", and even a high pitched scream that would sound amusing.

Kowalski on the other hand saw Private just as someone who was there, part of the team, yes, but not part of the team. Like two cogs on each side of a machinery didn't know the other existed, but are still part of the same clock. He didn't try to reach out to the young one, Private figured Kowalski let everyone reach out to him instead.

He'd just thought that was a stereotype of a scientist, or a clever person, but it seemed like it was not. In this case at least.

"I wonder if he's ever had any fun? That's just sad..."

He turned to the mirror again, feeling a little down, and saw to his surprise his own determination written in his face. Private decided the strategist needed to learn some things about loosing up...



"There you are!"

Kowalski turned around as he heard the private call out to him again. He sighed and scribbled on his clipboard to seem busy. "Private, I really have no time to-"

"I'm not Private, I'm Pirate!"

Kowalski looked up, and was stunned for a second, wondering if he heard right. "What?"

"My name is the British Banshee, and you're my enemy, Mr Smarty-Pants!"

"... Mr Smarty-Pants?" He couldn't believe someone just called him something as banal as that.

"Yes, yargh!" He called out in a pirate-like way.

"You know, yargh doesn't sound so scary when said in a British accent."

"See? Smarty-pants!" He pointed his flipper at him.

"Private. I don't even wear pants!" He gestured down to his feet.

"It's just be the way we pirates call it, K'wals- I mean Smarty-Pants."

Kowalski face-flippered. "Oh boy..."

"Grab your sword," he pressed the handle of a broken fishing rod in his flipper that was lying around. "and keep your eyes on the treasure!"

"What treasure? There is no."

"'Course it is! Theee..." He looked around him, but saw only Kowalski's clipboard, so he snatched it from his flipper. "Treasure map!"

"That's a clipboard. And it's mine."

"Not it be a clipboard any more" He took his red crayon and drew a big 'X' on it. "A treasure map!"

"So a treasure map is the treasure?"

"Aye! And the one who gets a hold of the map, claims the treasure as his own!" And the British Banshee zoomed by him sliding on his belly. "And I have the map!" He called as he slid around a corner.


It's the 17th century, the age of pirates and swashbuckling men sailing on the seven seas! Of bold penguins going where no one had ever been before.

The greatest fear on the great blue was a brave young pirate, who had sailed all across the world! Twice. He'd found countless treasures and discovered five forgotten cities, all in one year!

He isn't the ordinary pirate who raids innocent villages, he slays only other pirates. Other evil pirates! This, and his stunning looks and charming accent earned him the name of "The British Banshee"!

British Banshee was aboard a great big ghost ship, and had just bravely stolen the last treasure map from his enemy, Mr Smarty-Pants!

British Banshee heard his enemy call after him and round the corner. "Private, give back my clipboard! It's precious to me! And stop calling me Mr Smarty-Pants!"

"Argh," More pirate noises. "can't stand a little fun? You've got nothing else to do, Mr Smarty-Pants."

"Argh!" Not a pirate sound, but of frustration. "If you're going to keep calling me Smarty-Pants at least make me a captain!" He demanded. "Mr isn't a rank...!" They stopped racing and faced each others.

"Only if you get ye hands on the map!" Banshee teased and held it in front of Mr Smarty-Pants, who dived forward and took the map from him.

Kowalski turned to the flabbergasted Banshee, tasted his new title: Captain Smarty-Pants in his mind. It took him a few seconds to register and evaluate the taste, but then he said slowly, teasing back. "The treasure be in me' hands now!"

But Mr Smarty-Pants had raised in the ranks since the last time Banshee had run into his crusade of evil! He was now a captain, Captain Smarty-Pants! British Banshee was totally unprepared for his new skills which he had learned, and Captain Smarty-Pants had used fighting never seen before and took the last treasure map out of his grasp!

British Banshee challenged daringly Captain Smarty-Pants to a duel in sword fighting, a test of skill with the blade!

He picked up a rapier from the ground and attacked, and Captain Smarty-Pants defended with a wooden baton! Their weapons clashed together, up and down, to the sides and straight forward, they fought everywhere! After a long struggle Banshee manages to make Smarty-Pants drop his weapon.

He turns and run, with Banshee right behind him. The chase continues over the deck of the ghost ship, when his foe disappears from sight!

Walking carefully over the iron deck, he saw nothing. The salty taste in the air, the wind blowing in his face; ruffling his feathers. The mist was moving in. The floor creaked, and the whispers of the ghosts could almost be heard.

He saw a big hole in the wall. Inside he could only see darkness. If Captain Smarty-Pants had no fear of the dark, then neither did he!

The British Banshee bravely took a step into the darkness, and then another one. He took many insanely brave steps, until he couldn't see the exit any more. No turning back now.

The Banshee swallowed. "K'walski? Are... Are you here? Smarty-Pants?"

A door in front of him slowly opened, and the light was turned on in the cabin. Strangely enough, hot air flowed out from the open door.

After audaciously calling for his enemy to show himself, a door swung itself open, as if by a whispering ghost. He wasted no time to walk up to the door and look inside to find out what caused the hot air, and where the map was being held.

The Banshee saw his nemesis, Captain Smarty-Pants stand and look up.

He silently got up behind him, and planned to take the map when he also shot a look up. And what he saw made him forget about stealing maps.

A horrifying monster, standing in front of a cascade of fire sprouting up in the air, were looking at the two pirates with a bewildered face. Its evil eyes darted between them, at the Banshee's bandana and eye patch and sword, and the map with a huge "X" on it in Smarty-Pants flippers.

And the monster understood he was facing two ferocious pirates, so he picked up a giant sword.

With it, the monster pointed at the map, and motioned for them to give it to him, all while growling.

Captain Smarty-Pants refused, and picked up a trident as weapon. And he and British Banshee decided to do something they never had done before: To cooperate. The monster was too dangerous to fight one on one.

Fire shot up in the air again behind him, and the monster leapt forward with the sword! Smarty-Pants caught the edge in his trident, twisted, and removed the monster's grip of the sword, throwing it to the side. The success was short, as the monster tackled him.

The map was thrown to Banshee, who now faced the monster by himself. To his relief he saw a pile of grenades behind an overturned table!

Throwing himself to behind cover, he threw all of them at the monster, who screeched as he skilfully dodged them by crawling on the floor.

Everything went silent.

"Monstah'?" He peeked out his head after a minute, and gasped.

The monster was staring him in the eye, and picked up the table in his arms, preparing to drop in on him.

Banshee threw himself away from him, and chose sword to fist fighting instead.

The monster dropped that table and attacked. The pirate blocked and attacked, but the eye patch obscured his vision!

"Stupid eye patch!" He thought, when the monster somehow got a hold of the map and his own giant sword, and held them triumphantly up in the air above them while roaring "Kablamooooh!"

At this moment, Captain Smarty-Pants and The British Banshee locked eyes, and nodded. They both jumped at the monster, weapons ready to strike down the beast and reclaim the last treasure map, when-

"Stand down, men!" Skipper stood in the doorway, and jumped over the threshold. The two penguins in the air landed peacefully on each side of Rico the monster, looking guilty.

"What are you all doing in the kitchen? What a mess!" He talked about the broken egg-grenades. "Didn't I tell each and everyone of you to do a very important and specific job?!" He glared at them. "We're steering a boat! And you are playing dress up!"

They nodded in unison as they stood in front of the gas powered oven, with the gas turned on at maximum creating flames up to a few centimetres. Kowalski had a fork in his hand, and a cup stuck over his head from when he landed in the cupboard. Rico had the longest and sharpest butchering knife he could find in one flipper and the clipboard in the other. And Private had the bandana of red cloth and the eye patch, and held a broken pipe.

"I demand an explanation!"

"..."

No one said anything. What were they going to say? 'We accidentally started playing pirates.'?

"Well then." Skipper watched them, deciding which nut he would crack first.

"Kowalski," he decided. "whose idea was this?"

His answer was delayed but when it came it was as sure as usual. "It was Pirate-I mean Private's idea, Skipper."

Skipper nodded and walked up to Private and eyed his strange clothing. "Explain yourself, soldier."
Private gulped. "Me and Kowalski were done with our assignments, sir, and we started playing pirates."

The commander raised his eyebrows. "Playing pirates? Tell me more."

Kowalski and Rico shot each other a puzzled look.

"Well, we got pirate names, I'm the British Banshee and K'walski's Captain Smarty-Pants. We battled for the last treasure map when a monster took it. We were just about to get it back when sir arrived, sir."

"And Rico is the monster. That seems obvious..." Skipper observed and walked to the side to face Rico. "And that's the map. Let me see."

Rico gave him the X'd clipboard. Skipper looked at it for a moment and something indescribable was shown in his face for a second, until it disappeared. It looked like excitement, or the face of a kid holding a brand new Buzz Lightyear, who can't wait to tear the box open.

Then he said "There is something you need to know, boys, and that is I can't say no to an old fashioned treasure hunt." He had the gleam in his eyes.

"And this is as close as I get to real pirates."

They others looked at each other, pretty confused. "But what about driving the boat, sir?"

"I think a colossal boat can handle itself for a moment or two." He explained coolly, confident it was so with his flipper on his hip.

"Now my name is El Penguino." He suddenly got a Spanish accent. "Pirate killer."

"Commence "Operation: Pirate Life" on my mark." He stepped on one end of a kitchen knife making it jump up at him like a rake, and he caught it in his flipper.

"Now!"

The British Banshee and Captain Smarty-Pants jumped at the monster, weapons ready to strike down the beast and reclaim the last treasure map, when someone stormed into the room, knocking them over and taking the map.

Everyone, including the monster, gasped!

It was the pirate killer, El Penguino, the fear of every pirate on any ocean, even the good pirates like the Banshee!

He was fearless, and strong!

El Penguino turned on the spot and jumped out the door and slid away through the hall, with the map. The first to react to the signal was the monster, who with a mix of a roar and laughter ran after him.

Banshee and Smarty-Pants turned their heads to each other, saw the others confusion turn into understanding, and then into amusement.

"We were pretty good as team players." The Banshee carefully held out his broken pipe at him.

Captain Smarty-Pants nodded. "I agree to that." He did the same with his fork, and they clashed together with a clear sound.

As the challenge tugged on their minds, they both exclaimed in unison "The map is ours!" and threw themselves out the door.


From this day on, Captain Smarty-Pants and The British Banshee would fight for the same goal, and work together to get to it. And even if he didn't realize it at the time, Captain Smarty-Pants took one step closer to becoming Captain Funny-Pants.

El Penguino came realize the pair was a force to be reckoned with, as he lost the map, but payed no credit to the British one.

The time that would happen, was on another battlefield, in another time, in another game...